Reno's Hungry
by Kalta79
Summary: Marlene visits her family and Reno is alone for the weekend at home for the first time since their wedding day. Thanks to obsidians for the rice part of the conversation between Reno and Rude. #kitchen disasters #lemons
1. Chapter 1

"Where's your husband?" Barret asked at breakfast at Tifa and Cloud's.

"Working hard. He was supposed to come home before we left, but it didn't work out." Marlene explained as she checked the diaper bag for the green pacifier for William.

"Daddy is a Turkey!" Addy proudly exclaimed.

"You got that right." Barret muttered under his breath, looking down at his plate to ignore the glaring from Marlene and Tifa. They knew it would take him time for him to accept Reno as part of the family, but their patience was wearing thin. At least he doted over his grandchildren.

"I'm very happy with how Addy and Reno are bonding. He always comes home from a mission with a present for her." Marlene neglected to mention how they usually weren't girly gifts, but their daughter didn't mind. She was equally happy playing with dolls or toy weapons. Marlene hoped Reno was back home safely, Addy had not wanted to leave home without him.

Reno woke up unhappily alone, wishing Marlene hadn't taken the kids to Tifa and Cloud's for the weekend, to show their newborn twin sons off. His Christmas present to Marlene last year had been more successful than either of them knew until Valentine's Day when her present to him was announcing her pregnancy. So Reno decided his Valentine's Day present to his wife would be a vasectomy. He loved his wife and their children, but three was plenty. His stomach started growling, and he looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand. He had slept in two hours past his usual breakfast time, no wonder, especially since he hadn't gotten home this time til around 2 a.m, finding the note from Marlene that she was sorry he couldn't get off work in time to join them.

"Well, let's go fill you up." Reno told his stomach, needing to hear his voice in the unusually quiet house. Without Marlene and their children there for the first time, the place seemed almost like a tomb, and he didn't like it. But he did like not having to get dressed to walk through his own house, just like his bachelor days a lifetime ago. Walking into the kitchen, he suddenly realized that without Marlene there, there'd be no freshly cooked breakfast. He never cooked for himself in his bachelor days either, other than throwing things in the microwave, but his freezer only had ingredients to cook with in it now, no more TV dinners. He went upstairs to get his smartphone and came back to the kitchen, pulling things out of the cupboard, taking pictures of them as he did.

"Sorry, Elena." Rude apologized as he grabbed his phone, finding half a dozen picture messages from his partner, with captions like _Is this food? Can I eat this? Do you put this in chili?_ Dialing Reno's number, he started giving him some easy cooking instructions.

"You cook rice? Really?" Reno was surprised.

"What the hell is it?" Elena moved his hand so she could see his phone.

"Marlene's away for the weekend." Rude reminded her.

Elena frowned. "Order takeout, you idiot!" she snapped into the phone before hanging up and tossing Rude's phone under their bed. Turning back to her husband, she smiled at him as she caressed his bald head and gently drew it back down to her bare breast. "As you were, please."

Reno stared at the phone, frowning himself, feeling a pout coming on, knowing what Rude and Elena must have been up to. He was always hungry and horny himself when he came home from a mission, and Marlene always knew just how to satisfy him on all counts, but he had only himself for company this weekend. "I can do this." Reno looked at all the things he had pulled out of the cupboard. "I'm the best chopper pilot in all of Gaia, second in command of the Turks, and I can disable any bomb in 42 seconds or less. Cooking can't be that hard."


	2. Chapter 2

Reno dumped another can into the pot on the stove. It had taken him a while to figure out how to use the electric can opener, but he had gotten the hang of it. Now he was just waiting for everything to heat up enough to eat. The can of mushroom soup said that it was great for cooking on it, so he had dumped it in first, followed by a can of chili he had grabbed when he and Marlene went grocery shopping together. It had been the week after the Shadows' attempt to kidnap Marlene failed, thanks to Aerith, and he hadn't wanted her out of his sight. Most of the items he had put in the cart had stayed at the store, but the can of chili had slipped through Marlene's guarding of the shopping cart.

"Rice would make it more filling, but you have to add water to cook rice. That's boring…I know, I'll add my beer! That will make it taste awesome!" Reno almost opened the fridge, then remembered that Marlene had refused to let him keep beer in the house, so it was in the mini-fridge in the hangar. Streaking out there, he grabbed a six-pack and his bag of corn nuts.

Back in the kitchen, he popped open two cans of beer and poured them into the pot, then looked at the bag of rice. "Um…how much rice should I put in? There's not much soup or chili in there, I'll add half the bag." Reno put the rice in, and threw in some corn nuts for crunchiness, turning up the heat to medium before putting a lid on the pot. He hoped that would be enough food to satisfy his metabolism, which required him to eat large amounts of food, and never gain an ounce from it.

Sitting down at the kitchen table, he cracked open another beer and drank it while snacking on more corn nuts. "This is taking a long time to cook." Reno decided to put some bread in the toaster oven on warm to make grilled cheese sandwiches later to eat with his chili soup. Then he put his legs up on the table, feeling entirely comfortable, so decided to close his eyes and rest for a bit to ignore his hunger. In his bachelor days, he only ate corn nuts while at a bar with Rude, waiting for his food to be served. But he had gotten too used to Marlene's home cooking over the past few years, so now he only ate corn nuts while working on his helicopter, knowing his wife had food waiting for him back in the house. His stomach was well-trained to expect real food after corn nuts, and it wasn't quiet about letting him know what it thought.

" _Reeeeno…wake up, sleepyhead…Reeeeeennnooooo…open your eyes." A sultry voice invaded his ears._

 _Opening his eyes, Reno saw his naked wife covered in whipped cream with cherries on her nipples and a bottle of chocolate syrup in her hand. "Marlene?" he asked, surprised to see her home early._

" _Of course…you want more than food now, don't you? How about we do both with a banana split?" Marlene got in his lap, running her hands all over him._

" _Banana split?" Reno repeated._

" _You be the banana, I'm the toppings." Marlene opened the bottle of chocolate syrup._

" _Shouldn't we have an actual banana for that?" Reno was up for whatever kinky shit his wife wanted, but he believed in proper food games._

" _We have a banana, silly." Marlene started fondling him with her empty hand, and Reno looked down, stunned to see a large banana between his legs._

" _What the…what'd you do to my dick?!" Reno was starting to freak out._

" _Nothing yet, but I will." Marlene poured some chocolate syrup on his banana, and started to lick it off slowly. Reno groaned and decided he'd just let things play out and see what happened. "It's going to blow! It's going to blow!" Marlene exclaimed a little while later as she paused and looked at her husband._

" _If you don't keep going, I won't!" Reno protested her stopping, until he heard a loud pop, then another one._

With the second pop, Marlene disappeared along with the banana. Reno found himself falling out of his chair as the lid flew off the pot on the stove, and he barely noticed that it was now dark outside. It was lucky for him that he fell out of his chair, for the pot lid flew off in his direction and hit the remaining beers in the six-pack, and they went flying towards the stove. One hit the knob for the burner Reno was using, turning it up to the highest setting. The other two cans landed in the pot, which was already hot enough, and before he was able to get up and turn the stove off, the beer cans exploded. The force shot the pot into the microwave, and the impact caused sparks which ignited the beer flying everywhere. Reno hurried to grab the fire extinguisher and put out the fire. Looking in stunned despair at what was left of his first attempt at a meal in the smoke filled room, he was so lost in thought about how he was going to eat now that he didn't even hear someone knocking at the door, or coming in after knocking.

"You tried to cook, didn't you?" Rufus said as he entered the kitchen.

"I'm gonna starve to death." Reno replied as his stomach started growling ferociously and he felt so hungry he thought he was going to throw up. "Hey, why are you here?"

"Marlene was going to give me the financial records for the orphanage so I can have my accountants go over it and make sure the money is being used profitably." Rufus explained. "And have you checked the refrigerator yet? Wives usually…Scarlet never did, but I don't think she ever cooked either…they usually make sure their husbands are provided for in their absence." Rufus walked over to the fridge, and Reno dejectedly followed him. When Rufus opened it, Reno was overjoyed to see a plate filled with his favorite breakfast foods, and a casserole dish containing Florentine casserole, with reheating instructions on top of them.

"I'm saved!" Reno was so happy he hugged Rufus just as the kitchen door opened and Marlene walked in pushing the sleeping twins' stroller, Addy right behind her.

"Why are you hugging your boss naked, and why is the kitchen on fire?" Marlene quickly covered their daughter's eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

"You're home early!" was the first thing Reno could think of to say as Rufus pushed him away. "Is everything okay?"

"I believe I just asked _you_ that question." Marlene replied.

"Do you have the books?" Rufus asked her, trying to appear dignified as he could in the situation.

"Oh! Yes, just a moment, Mr. Shinra." Marlene said. "Would you please get some clothes on, dear?" she asked her husband.

"Uh, yeah." Reno dashed upstairs while Marlene uncovered Addy's eyes.

"Sweetie, please watch your brothers for a moment." Marlene told her daughter before heading to her office.

"Hello, Mr. Shine-Raw!" Addy said brightly, looking up at Rufus as she stood protectively in front of the stroller.

"Hello, Adelaide." Rufus replied, looking warily down at her. Children made him nervous, they triggered an ineradicable twinge of guilt in him for his past deeds.

"So you're my daddy's bus?" she asked him.

"No, I'm your daddy's boss." Rufus explained.

"Where'd she go?" Reno asked as he reappeared, tying his bathrobe around his boxer shorts as he looked around for his wife. Once his hands were free, he picked up his daughter, who eagerly hugged and kissed him.

"Getting the books for me." Rufus informed him, a trace of regretful envy and amazement passing over his face. He was surprised as all of Reno's close associates had been at how well the once diehard bachelor had taken to family life.

"Is Mr. Shine-Raw staying for dinner, Daddy?" Addy asked Reno.

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea." Reno told her, looking around at the damaged kitchen.

"Here you are, Mr. Shinra." Marlene handed Rufus two thick folders upon reentering the kitchen.

"Thank you, Marlene." Rufus said as he took the folders. "You might want to teach your husband how to cook. Either that or start leaving better instructions." Rufus suggested before leaving.

"Go put your sons to bed please." Marlene told Reno with an edge to her voice as she took a reluctant Addy from him. "How would you like to have pizza for dinner tonight?" she asked her daughter once Reno had taken the twins out of the stroller and started carrying them upstairs.

"Yay! Can we have Daddy's special one?" Addy smiled and clapped her hands.

"You and he can." Marlene said, her nose wrinkling. Reno's favorite pizza was covered with anchovies, marinated olives, and chili powder. She could have handled any of those by themselves, but together she found them distasteful. "I'll have just a plain old supreme pizza."

"So what happened?" Marlene demanded to know as she and Reno lay in bed later that night.

"I fell asleep while the food was cooking." Reno admitted sheepishly, not able to think of any believable excuse for what happened. "And…it um…didn't work out that well."

Marlene sighed. "You'll be paying to fix the kitchen yourself, you know that, right?"

"Yes, dear." Reno frowned, but he was secretly relieved she wasn't more upset. "So why did you come home early?"

"We missed you." Marlene confessed, her fingers drawing random shapes on his chest, moving in a downward motion and fondling him.

"What are you doing here?" Reno was surprised to find Barret at their breakfast table the morning after the kitchen had been restored to its former glory.

"He's going to teach you basic kitchen fundamentals while I'm working." Marlene explained.

"I'm what?" Barret nearly shouted. "You told me that you wanted me to spend time with the family!"

"You are. Reno's family, and you're going to help him, do you understand?" Marlene insisted, ignoring the sullen rebellious looks on both their faces. "And I don't want any whining about it either."


End file.
